I need help. I am keeping ilyanalanai.com but am expanding to also have a tumblog and need a new name for it. Here are the contenders. Thoughts or votes for a domain name can be left in the comments. And if you have any better idea’s PLEASE SHARE!!!
ilyanamwah.com
xoxoilyana.com
ilyanalives.com
itsmeilyana.com
missilyanalanai.com
EssentiallyIlyana.com
SimplyIlyana.com
OR
HeythereCareBear!.com
So I was told that I need to inform the world that I am alive. Which I am. Barely. Things went from really really good to really really bad to really really good again (my life story) so quickly that I literally could not even break down how the pendulum swung so far. I’ve tried to tear myself away from the internets because (and a NYTIMES article supposedly backs this up) it is a bit addictive. And I can easily get caught up in the madness….*how many hits did I get today, blah blah blah…* Not to mention reading about other peoples lives in a way that sometimes feels- dirty or intrusive. I think my life goes in waves. My emotions too. One minute I feel like I’ve figured out who I am, the next I feel completely lost, like I’m drowing in a tsunami. I feel guilty and inadequate because I haven’t found my way, I still feel so insecure….
I’ve been lagging on the blogging lately. My one resolution for 2008 was to finally concentrate on myself, my own personal happiness and growth/evolution. I wanted to pamper myself as well as search for what would be truly fullfilling. And I have stayed true to my word (i think this is literally the only resolution I have ever followed through with). This blog had sort of a specific focus for a while but as I evolve so needs to the blog. I am hoping to have a new design soon, and with that more blogging from me. I don’t want to be just one thing. Because I’m not. I’m vain and superficial and spend hours reading Perez Hilton and Gawker and googling Botox and face creams and fad diets. But there is the other side to me, the humanitarian, the political junkie, the web nerd. This year is all about integrating my two selves. I can write a chick lit novel and also work for The Innocence Project. I can be silly, laugh at myself, wear makeup, throw on 4 inch peep toe pumps and spend two hours curling my hair, wonder why love seems like it’s so hard to find and even more difficult to keep. I still watch Sex and the City. And I’m not ashamed of it. I spend most of my days in Hello Kitty pajama’s wrapped in a Hello Kitty Blanket writing on Pink post it notes, listening to Feist thinking “Omg, I should so be at the gym right now.” But I can conversely be incredibly serious, thirsty for knowledge, compassionate and empathetic, determined to do something, anything with my time on this earth that will have mattered in a significant way. I don’t want to live in a box. Anyone’s box. Especially my own. Here’s to having great boobs, a love for skinny jeans and juicy gossip and also being an actual intelligent, hard working, noble human being:)
xoxoxo,
ilyana
OhmygodIhavetheworstfuckingheadacheIthinkI’mgoingtodieIwouldliketoamputatepleaseOhmygod.
P.S. America seems to think that Miami is only good for Clubs and Crime. “It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t live there.”
I remember when I used to say that same thing, I swear.
View of the Miami Intercoastal from what I REALLY really hope is going to be my new home!
The bathroom has a double sink, deep roman tub, stand up shower AND linen closet inside. None of my Manhattan apartments had double sinks. Or roman tubs. Much less a linen closet inside. Mind you there are two more closets in the master bedroom!
And did I mention it has a breakfast nook?!
I remember living in studio apartments or building makeshift walls to create makeshift bedrooms just so I could split my absurd rent. I love New York. I do. But sometimes, for brief moments, I love Miami too. I love that it allows for the possibility to OWN a 1400 sq ft 2/2 immaculate condo 5 minutes from the beach and pay less than it once cost me to rent a 600 sq ft Upper West Side Studio apartment. Even though I loved that little studio apartment. Okay, this isn’t a time to get nostalgic Lani!!! Not when you are on the verge of having 11ft high ceilings with crown molding, 7 closets and your own washer and dryer. Oh, and Cheesecake factory is 2 minutes away. *Please let me get this place. Please let me get this place. Please let me get this place*
I love babies. They are all cute and cuddly and make you laugh just because they smile. But they are bombs. Like, nuclear bombs. They. explode.with. germs!!! In what can only be described as an answer to my prayers, my only Miami girlfriend lives on the SAME floor, THREE doors down from the condo I want to buy. What are the odds. So after a showing of said condo, I went to visit my girl, who has a two year old daughter I am in love with. And of course, she coughed and sneezed on me and three days later I’m SICK!!! I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I cant breathe, swallow, smell, eat….nothing!!!
Some of my long time readers might remember that around this time last year I wrote about the “Pocketchange Natural Selection Speed Date event” for wealthy men and the golddiggers beautiful women looking to meet them. I’ve kind of softened my position on this event. At the end of the day, whether it’s explicitly stated or not, isn’t all dating sort of about this natural selection thing. Aren’t most men looking for a woman they really want to see naked, and most women looking for a man who will be a stong partner, providing them(and their children) with some measure of stability. Sure, we like to imagine ourselves more evolved and cerebral and above this sex/money paradigm, but the reality is more often then not, there is at least a scintilla of truth to this notion. Maybe more than a scintilla.
I was joking last year when I said that I was “waiting with bated breath for the Sugar Mama’s and Poor Boy’s” follow up event, but my breath need no longer be bated as the genius’s behind this event have launched the search for guests to this years “Pocket Change Natural Selection Speed Date II: Sugar Mama’s and Hot Boys!”I have one minor bone to pick with the organizers this year. Namely, that when it was wealthy men applying, their identities were kept private and confidential, while the womens pictures and stats were published for any and all to see. This year, with the tables turned, the wealthy Sugar Mama’s pictures and stats are being made public. On the other hand, none of these women have anything to be ashamed about, they are almost all beautiful. In fact, if I were a young stuggling guy, I would sign up for this thing tomorrow!
Usually I am the one doling out the advice. Usually, I have an idea of what the best solution to a problem is, the best way to solve all things complicated. But for this one, I’m sort of out of answers. This February is my birthday, Valentines Day and our anniversary, which is sort of a big deal because since we got together on Leap day four years ago, it’s the first REAL anniversary we will have. Now this is my dilemma. How do we celebrate all three occasions, in the same month, without going broke, but still feeling like each day was special. And I understand that Valentines day is a “Hallmark, corporate driven day” but I’m sentimental and I like to celebrate. Any creative idea’s?
The best part of this is her drawing hearts in the air. I love it!!!
originally posted by Lani at 8/07/2006 03:33:00 AM
“Like a flower you need to water me”
“Today I told you I was no longer in love with you. I lied. It was a horrible and hurtful thing to say and I look back on it with deep regret. But with each passing day as we move forward I am trying to hold on to what was and not what is, because what is, is for me a memory. A memory of a time we once had, once filled with a priority above all, that priority being us. Never let it die. Never let it fade. Maybe this is where we diverge. Your air and my fire. Your logic and my passion. Your want for Honesty, Loyalty, Trust and mine for Truly, Madly, Deeply. ”
-full post here
Drock, I know that you think Kim is vapid “Dumb as a rock”…..lol, but I had to rep for the Interracial Couples (of which I am 1/2 of, for those who didn’t know:) and post these pics of Kim and Reggie Bush from last night. They looked flawless, stunning and really happy. Maybe even engaged happy.
This time last year I was in a bad and tearful place. I felt like the world was falling apart around me, I had no direction, no security and fear was my best-friend. We shared everything. Fear, in many ways, took over my life. I embraced her, indulged in her unrelenting appeals to me. At times in my life when others might have fallen apart I’ve been fearLESS, but this past year, I just couldn’t. A father suffering, mother struggling, relationship hanging by string…I felt powerless. Who was I?
I was once the young, vibrant,compassionate girl people loved. Then I nearly died. And was re-set to Zero. Start all over. Re-learn to Walk. Talk. Write. Read. Who are you!!! And so I spent last year, and a few before it sort of hanging in the wind. Slowly rediscovering my old self, while trying to also become comfortable in my new skin. Different, but maybe better. I leaned my limitations, and when and how to push them. I forgave myself when I stumbled. I learned to love myself, again. I pushed fear away in favor of her sister, my old friend, Fearless.
This year will be different. This year I will focus on me and only me. If I’m lucky, life will be kind to me and those I love, give us a reprieve from the suffering of the past years. 2008 will be amazing. I can feel it. This is the year I will love myself more than any other. This year I will live in my skin not as a stranger, or temporary resident. I will own it and revel in it and adore it. I’ve leaned heavily on mighty shoulders this year, the angels in my life who listen to me rant and rave and question everything I know and always with an even hand and steady wisdom, guide me and support me when I feel completely and totally alone. To all of you and the readers of this blog, Thank you. I love you all infinitely and unconditionally. This year, we are going to kick some mutha*****ing ass.
- This weeks entertainment-
update: Almost done with this weeks books. Loved them all except for Dave Eggers “A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius” which I only bought because it was a Pulitzer finalist. I really wanted to love it…... I need more books. Any recommendations?
original post after the jump:)
Keratin Complex Hair Therapy by Peter Coppola
Formaldehyde FREE
How insanely good does my hair look.
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”Feedback” by Janet Jackson,
The inimitable Julie Marriott
I’m not sure exactly when this was, but sometime last year I began to hear rumblings about “This girl who reminds us of you. Well, she’s blond and talks WAY more then you. But she covers sports and she’s hot!!” Curious to meet this “new blond me”, Julie and I eventually began talking online, just about the business of sports reporting and being young and well, not hideously ugly, and the implications that can have on your career. But it was only last night, nearly a year later, that we actually met. And I’m happy to say that Julie is adorable and charming, maybe a little crazy in a totally endearing way and yes, she can talk. A lot. But I love it! After days of texting back and forth and plans never matching up, we finally met on Lincoln Road for dinner at Van Dyke Cafe, dessert at Gelateria Parmelat (best EVER Dulce De Leche gelato), a short stop at Club Mynt (where I saw Janie from BB6 and nearly lost it…) and finally, drinks at Prime 112. We talked about love, sex, sports and life and I’m truly excited that if Julie lands a job out here(which is looking VERY likely) I might actually have a friend in Miami. Woot!!!!
“Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of dissapointment. As that garbage piles up, they need somewhere to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You’ll be happy you did.”
When do you continue to work on a relationship and when do you just say, “Fuck it” and walk away? I’m struggling with this question. Or should I say, I’m struggling with what my dealbreaker is. Cheating = dealbreaker. This I know. But what I’m learning is that my dealbreaker may not necessarily be someone elses. And vice versa. Things that I am willing to accept, others shake their head at. Things that friends may put up with, I say, “That would make me walk away.” I don’t want to be judged, so I withhold from passing judgement on others. I always say, “Only you and your mate know what happens in your relationship, and only the two of you can define its terms. It’s not for anyone else to tell you what to do.” But I am always desperately afraid of looking stupid. Of being stupid. And love, well……love can make you do things that you would never, ever have thought of doing. Love, can make you a moron.
So we set boundaries, dealbreakers as a safety. “I know I can’t think clearly. So this is my limit. This is my cue to walk away.” And every time I think I could possibly be at that point, I realize, but this isn’t my dealbreaker. So I can’t rationalize throwing it all away. I believe in commitment and what that means. I believe in compromise and what that means. I also believe in standing by someone when they are at their low. When maybe they are faltering. I think I’ve been conditioned to see through certain darkness to find beauty and compassion and understanding. I get people. I specifically get creative/passionate/a little bit off people. I get shy people. I get volatile people. Possibly the only humans I don’t get are selfish ones.
I think that we all set out to have these stringent idea’s of things we would never accept in a relationship. But when tested, it seems like so often, those boundaries are pushed and we find out that it’s not as simple as we might have once thought, when true love was more an ideal than a tangible reality full of emotion, investment, sacrifice and tender moments wrapped around your heart.
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New Ashlee Simpson- “Outta My Mind”
And yes, this is a dedication:)
First off, let me preface this by saying I have strep throat…Wheeee!!!! What gave me strep throat you might ask? Well, I really haven’t the slightest clue, though I would suspect that in one of the following places someone coughed on me, sneezed on me or (and unfortunately this happened entirely too often) some guy would grab my hand and nearly rip my arm off in an attempt to get my attention? And their grabby hands were probably swimming in germs. IDCK. Fuckers!
Moving on. Mandy(my best-friend) and Miss Donna Trump(who I have decided was the missing piece to our trifecta) arrived at the crack of dawn thursday morning from L.A. Mandy and I needed to do some “maintenace” before hitting any beach(lest we scare the children and elderly) so we headed to Arcayne Salon in North Miami to see the BEST WAX GODDESS ever Josephina. We left with brand new naked bikini’s and as a bonus, she gave us these Lizette Eyebrow kits that make your eyebrows look amazing. We all swear by them now and could not live without them. I don’t like my brows particularly thick, but I do want them to look defined, and since mine tend to be sparse, this kit fills them in without making them look unnatural. Later, we went to Karu &Y in downtown Miami, a very sexy restaurant/club where I was reminded that people can still smoke anywhere in Miami. Which is how I am also reminded that Miami is still in the South. Because any civilized place ie: NY,Cali, DC…. BANS smoking in all restaurants and clubs. So people like me, with Asthma and Allergies don’t ya know… die. Friday was spent at the beach, then off to the Heat/Celtics game (where Shaq literally undressed Miss D with his eyes). The after party was at The Fifth, which wasn’t particularly my favorite spot, but is one of the hottest in Miami if you want to celeb spy. Practically everyone who played in the game earlier was there, including Ray Allen(an old friend) who saw me and said, “I kept looking at you but you look like a completely different person with your hair dark.” And he’s right. I apparently look like Cher! But he is one of the classiest guys in the NBA and that’s a HIGH compliment coming from me!
Saturday we woke up early, headed down to South Beach and tanned/gossiped until 4pm. After a quick pit stop at Wet Willy’s( did you know they have a million mixed drinks and only one virgin drink. Which tastes like grape slushy. Wtf?) we headed over to Oceans Ten, a new restaurant/sports bar on 10th and Ocean to watch UCLA play(and get spanked by) USC. By the end of the game, between some insane concoction from Wet Willys and a ginormous Mojito, Mandy was fully drunk and had us filming her for the next two hours.She is quite possibly the happiest drunk you will ever meet. I am not allowed to post the video though. But DAYUM I wish you could see it because when I watch it it makes me happy:) It was their last night in Miami and we planned to go to Sushi Samba and Nikki Beach, but instead got in our pajamas and ate at IHOP at 2 am. [redacted] We discussed how Boys suck. But it’s ok. We will. Survive. [redacted deux] There are people dying in Darfur after all. I can live through a broken heart:)
With Mandy and Donna Trump @ Karu & Y last night.
The last few days have been a whirlwind. My best friend forever Mandy arrived with Miss D at about 7 am yesterday morning. Details to come:)
