I’ve never posted a personal ad in my life. I’ve perused many personal ads, girl for girl, boy for boy, girl for boy for couples… Yes people, these are the kinds of things I do when I’m bored during commercials of the America’s Next Top Model marathon and CSI Miami on A&E. I was going to write the predictable, expected, cliche’ New Years Resolutions post, but the truth is, I have only one that I intend to actually act on. This year will be, for me… all about shopping for friends. Like a pair of shoes, I will look at them from afar at first, then after a short while and some contemplation( do i need them, do I already have a pair just like them, are they the right size, do I have anything in my wardrobe to match them, are they classic or something I might only wear once a year?)  I will actually make contact. After a short evaluation period, I will decide whether to keep them, or put them back in the box, never to be tried on again. Much like meeting a guy, this act of shopping for new girlfriends can mirror the complicated dance of dating. Without the ever looming prospect of sex, of course. *wipes brow* Thank god…..

If anyone has ever been to Craigslist (okay has anyone not been on craigslist) then you should be well familiarized with the Personals section.  You can locate that Mr. or Miss. Perfect you spilled coffee on at Starbucks but didn’t have the nerve to actually ask out on the “Missed Connections” page, or hire a professional XXX couple to have sex for your “viewing pleasure” in the “Miscelleneous Romance” section. Of course next are the time tested staples, men seeking women, women seeking men, woman seeking woman seeking men seeking men. Always one of my favorites, the “rants and raves” page provides endless amusement. You can read as someone shares the epiphany he’s come to about the origin of his fetish for Latin women or, help an 18 year old virgin out( he’s “alright looking, got a job, can talk to girls but not get one and really doesn’t want to stoop as low as a hooker”)

Usually my fingers don’t venture to “Strictly Platonic”, because come on, booooooring. But no longer just perusing for entertainment, I realized I had to become proactive in an effort to realize my resolution to seek new friends, I decided to craft my very own carefully, thought out, witty personal ad. Okay so maybe it didn’t come out so well-thought out or witty, I was woozynohigh on three Tylenol Pm.

“Hey, so I moved here from New York a few years ago, live with my boyfriend of 3 years and have had a number of bad experiences meeting women here in Miami. They have either been crazy, psycho, or just plain bitchy:( Me: from Manhattan, slim, cute, a writer(former sports and entertainment writer turned Blogger turned Novelist), love shoe shopping(Christian Louboutins my favorite), afternoons at the beach, eating at hotspots and Diners alike. I would just really like to find a girl, or girls who are looking to make new friends as well. PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST IF YOU ARE A GUY. Your mail will only be trashed. I have a man, we are basically married and I’m not looking for another.

Anyway, girls looking to make new friends, please reply!”

So in retrospect, I could have written something better but, eh..I can’t always be brilliant. The first email I recieved was from “douchebag227″* who wrote “Sorry I’m a guy. I think its pathetic you only want female friends. Not every guy wants to fuck you or lick you or bend you over. But whatever.”

Really? And all this time I thought…. eh, forget it.

To echo “Douchebags” sentiments came an email from “tly22″ who wanted to let me know ” NO GUYS? C’mon, either your boyfriend is insanely jealous or such a loser that you’re afraid you’d leave him at the sight of a new guy.”

Mind you, I posted not just in the “Strictly Platonic” category, but in the subcategory of women seeking WOMEN. Which begged the question, why are men even bothering to read personals where they are so obviously not wanted? But thus are the pitfalls of posting a personal on a public forum. Douchebags and morons alike will write you with their witticisms and invaluable insights. Who knew my desire to find some female companionship would bear such disgust from men. Like they want to talk about menstrual cramps and strapless bra’s……..

In just one week I’ve received 10 emails from various women who share a similar inability to connect with sane, well adjusted, nice girls in Miami who share the belief that snorting coke right in the middle of a public bathroom is appalling behavior. Be classy and do it in the bathroom stall like NY girls do. Most of these girls I am just getting to know via email, feeling them out, checking a myspace or two. But one, I made contact with this weekend. One, it seemed from the very beginning might just be the answer to my whining of the last few years. She is gorgeous, stylish, funny, sweet, fiery, grew up not too far from me, is in a committed long term relationship like me,  and her birthday is two days after mine. It’s a match made in platonic friend heaven…….

I’m not sure that I want to press my luck with this thing. I mean, I’ve already struck gold, If I continue this adventure I might get kidknapped by a crazy lesbian or arrested at Macy’s with a serial shoplifter.